"My dick's running wild." - Mike Kelly

"I've got balls to put on somebody's gown." - Mike Kelly

"My penis feels danger" - Mike Kelly

"C'MON ONE MORE AND I WAS GONNA CLIMAX" - Mike Kelly during Garret's Game

"I don't want to ride the train with other white people" - Mike Kelly

"I don't like the mermaids 'cause fish are weird." - Mike Kelly

"Between Pat and Justin it's gonna be pretty hard this weekend... Not my dick." - Surprisingly Not Mike Kelly

"It's not my fault. You make fun of my sister, I have to fuck yours. It's just unfortunate that she's 12." - Mike Kelly

"At least my anus is pure" - Mike Kelly

"I'll only go to jail if I fuck her." - Mike Kelly

"I meant turbans but I could remember the term." - Mike Kelly

"Muslim Hell: it's like Jewish Hell, but everyone's wearing track suits.' - Mike Kelly

"I have a pent up erection. Lets do this." - Mike Kelly

"You're going to Hell. Jewish Hell." - Mike Kelly

"You know what? You've got wireless, I've got an iPod. I'm watching porn." - Mike Kelly, losing a vote to watch porn over soccer 

"Hey that sign says 'Front Anal'" - Mike Kelly, looking at a road sign for Front Royal

"Can I poke her with my dong?"
"Yes, but she won't respond"
"Even better"

"Quit touching my fucking schlong already" - Mike Kelly

"That's the only way I'd fuck her: sideways" - Mike Kelly

"Sometimes you just have to shit yourself" - Mike Kelly