"I'm not sure what an ass-tit is, but I'm pretty sure I would fuck it." - Mike Kelly

"FUCK-ASS-TITS!" - Mike Kelly

"Bed parties: they're kind of like pants parties, but with more people. Rule number one: no thrusting." - Mike Kelly

"If I found perfection, I would definitely throw it down on the bed or something." - Mike Kelly, on the subject of 'fucking with perfection'

Laughably False Statements

"I'm not a bad person" - Mike Kelly

"I just lit Mary on fire. Not my fault." - Mike Kelly

"That's why you never masturbate alone" - Mike Kelly

David Carradine Jokes

"I base my sleep schedule around my level of dick pain." - Mike Kelly

"I didn't break the boxer barrier, so there's no grundel juice" - Mike Kelly

"It's my birthday, I'll shit where I want" - Mike Kelly

"No, I didn't invite you back to Sorin, you big duff!" - Mike Kelly, addressing a big duff

"Whenever someone puts something in front of my face, I just want to put it in my mouth" - Sara, referring to Mike Kelly's 'arm'

"Did you ever spit and shit yourself at the same time?  Okay, me neither.  But I'm getting closer." -Mike Kelly

"I stopped jizzing on my phone and now it works fine" - Mike Kelly

"I would fuck the shit out of House" - Mike Kelly

"I like to call it cock wrap, 'cause I use it as a condom sometimes.  Also, it's squishy and I like the taste." - Mike Kelly, referring to bubble wrap 

"It's a debriefing session, which I'm taking to mean that we'll take off our pants." - Mike Kelly

"I'm dangerously fertile"
-In response to a paid fertility test post ghost riding

"It's okay, I can walk it off" - Mike Kelly, after the infamous ghostriding incident 

"Why does he have a sock in his pants?  Your foot's not located on your dick!" - Mike Kelly

"I typed in 'huge jugs' and then the internet exploded" - Mike Kelly